In marriage, becoming offended is inevitable. It’s what you choose to do when you get offended that makes all the difference and determines whether you will grow stronger as a couple or break down. One common cause for an offense is the formation of grudges born out of unspoken assumptions and miscommunications. To navigate these challenges and foster a healthier, stronger relationship, we have come up with a three-step strategy to help you squash offenses quickly and have a marriage built on the foundation of grace and mercy.
Step 1: Give Your Partner the Benefit of the Doubt
The first step to preventing and overcoming offense in marriage revolves around reshaping how you perceive your partner's actions and words. It's about consciously choosing to view situations in a light most favorable to them. This is a quote I heard recently and it was really an “aha” moment. Whenever an intrusive thought about your spouse comes into your mind the most profitable thing is to say “I’m going to view this in a light most favorable to my spouse.” In other words…I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt.
This approach involves:
Suspending immediate judgment and not jumping to negative conclusions.
Reminding yourself of your partner's character and past actions, and interpreting their behavior within this context.
Acknowledging that miscommunication or differences in perspective are common, and not necessarily indicative of negative intentions.
Adopting a mindset that seeks to understand rather than accuse will foster an environment of trust and openness.
Step 2: Seek Clarity, Not Condemnation
The second crucial step is all about how you investigate whatever assumption or intrusive thought you have about your spouse. It’s okay to examine the evidence but the goal is to get clarity about the situation and not to condemn your spouse. This step is also an examination of your expectations.
We’re your expectations clearly expressed? Were they realistic? And most importantly, did my spouse explicitly agree to the expectations that I had?
Offenses and assumptions often stem from our interpretations or uncommunicated expectations, and actively working to replace these with clear and direct communication.
Step 3: Talk It Out - Choosing the Right Time and Approach
The final step focuses on the actual conversation process, ensuring it's constructive and empathetic. At the end of the day, getting rid of assumptions means that you have to actually COMMUNICATE!
Choosing the right moment to discuss important matters, ensuring both partners are in a calm and receptive state. Don’t bombard your spouse with accusations, don’t approach them when they have just come home from work, and regulate your emotions before talking. This sounds pretty simple but most people are reactive when talking with their spouse instead of being proactive.
Approaching the conversation with an intention to resolve the issue rather than escalate it. This means avoiding accusatory language and instead using "I feel" statements to express your emotions. Take ownership of your own thoughts and where they originate.
Allow your spouse to fully explain their perspective. This is crucial for ensuring that any misunderstandings are clarified and that both partners feel heard and understood. Don’t interrupt them and genuinely listen to what they have to say.
If necessary, use tools such as journaling to articulate your thoughts and feelings before engaging in the conversation. This can help in organizing your thoughts and expressing them more clearly. You may even have to read your journal entry to your spouse without adding anything to it in order to clearly express what it is you are feeling.
Give your spouse time to process and even step away and come back with a more thought-out response if needed. If your spouse is feeling attacked, they will normally shut down. Be open and honest but give them space and time to process as well. After all, you’ve been thinking about this since the moment the assumption popped into your mind.
Implementing this three-step strategy requires patience, practice, and commitment. By making these steps a part of your communication strategy, you can gradually shift the dynamics towards more positive and constructive outcomes.
A successful marriage is not free of conflicts or misunderstandings, but your ability to navigate these challenges effectively, by giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, seeking clarity in communication, and engaging in thoughtful dialogue, will help you lay the foundation for a relationship built on trust, understanding, and mutual respect.